I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Randomize
