well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Randomize
