I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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