I like to think it a success when the cops are called
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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