Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
