is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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