I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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