I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
why do cheetos always look like penises
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
