My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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