I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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