These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
