Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
