Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
