nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
