i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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