i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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