Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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