You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
