you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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