I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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