I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
