Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
We need to feng shui this bitch.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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