porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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