Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
