My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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