The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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