i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
