I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
