don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
