You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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