Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
