dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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