I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
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