I faked an abortion last night.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
