I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
