how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
