Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
