I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
