Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
