Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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