I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
