I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I can feel your judgement through the phone
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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