Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You are the jesus of drinking
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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