Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
