The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Too much gin, very little bucket
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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