All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
