Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
