I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
