Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
operation have a gay friend backfired
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
