OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
bring money and cleavage
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
